I have to preface all of this with a general disclaimer that these are just my opinions based on experiences of myself, and observations with others. These are just merely pieces of information that you can use to form your own judgements.
The general cultural way is your parents or relatives try finding you a mate. Some details are exchanged, and some pictures swapped. If everyone is happy then there's some meetings, and it's all supposed to be chaperoned. You then do some prayer, and if everyone has a good vibe on the situation you're supposed to make a decision. This used to work, and it still may work, because everyone believed in this tradition. For the current generations looking to find a mate, this doesn't work. With the divorce rate being so high in general, even with Muslims (it's well hidden, but you would be surprised), making a life long decision isn't something you just easily do. The old mentality is that you never really know how things will turn out, and you can look at non-Muslims/Indians who have dated for years and still end up in divorce after marriage, so it doesn't matter how much time you spend with the person.
That's true to an extent, one thing you are accepting in marriage is that you are taking a risk no matter what. With Islamic/Indian belief, you are using God's guidance to help you make the right decision. However God doesn't help someone who doesn't help themself. There is an aspect of fate involved, but at the same you have to take control of your life. Fate is not a matter of chance, but of choice. Not something to wait for, but to obtain. If you close your eyes and cross a busy freeway and say that it's fate that decides if you live or not, well that's being ignorant. Or with stocks, if you pray for guidance in your investing to help feed your family, and just blindly invest all your money into some random stock do you think God is going to help you? No. God, or fate, can only merely point you in the right direction. It is up to you to make the right decisions, and that's why there are consequences (both good and bad) as the results of your decisions. So a smart person investigates what they're getting into, and makes an informed decision. Yes there'll always be risk in anything you do, but there's a difference between a blind risk, and a good risk.
This is where the new generation feels confused. On the one hand there is their personal beliefs in how they want to go about finding and deciding on someone to marry (which older generation Muslims and Indians would believe as a Western mentality), and then there is the pressure from their parent's cultures which they respect and also might believe in. There are a lot of people I know who married someone because their parents told them to, because this is what their culture believes in, and it ended badly. Will it always end that way? Of course not, there's also happy stories too. But for the new age Muslim/Indian, we're essentially defining a new culture. Something that is a mixture of the good methodologies from both traditional and modern cultures.
The first thing you need to decide is, whether or not you want to be married. Do you? How important is it to you? Do you have any idea of how rewarding it is? Let me tell you, it's amazing! It can be the most amazing thing that's ever happened to you, but do you think something so incredible is going to come easy? Of course not. The more amazing something is, the more effort you have to put into it. The more rewarding something is, the more risky it is to get it. If you aren't willing to accept this reality, then you are accepting, and deciding, that you want to be single because that makes you happy. Mind you this is absolutely fine as well, there's more to life then following what society defines as the normal thing to do. The only thing you need to worry about is being happy, and doing what it takes to get there. Remember, take control of life, don't let it control you. By being passive, just sitting and letting day after day go by is not being in control. I can promise you that if you don't take action, you're jeopardizing your future. Life is too short to watch it go by. Does the thought of sharing your life appeal to you? Having someone to come home to? Someone who'll take care of you when you're not feeling well, a special someone who is your soul mate. How valuable is it to you? If you're telling me there is nothing else more that you want in life is to wake up to the person who has pledged their life to you, then you're accepting a potentially massive amount of dedication is required. Both before and after marriage.
So if you decide that you want to find that special someone, the person that makes you feel complete and gives you a reason to look forward to each and every day... Then you need to do what it takes. And it takes total strategy, and a bit of luck. The first step is taking advantage of your resources, and expanding your visibility. In this culture there's no 'hang out' places you can go to meet other Muslims/Indian or whatever culture and religion you identify with. What you can do is make sure all your family and relatives are looking out for you. Remind them to promote you when they can, find out if they know anyone, etc... Older and other married people love match making single people, so use that to your advantage. Life gives you windows of opportunities, make use of them while you can. Since no one has anything to gain by doing work for you, it requires you having to remind them a lot. This is pretty much the first step anyone does, and is the standard cultural way of operating. Unfortunately contacts are limited, and you'll go through who they know really fast. The second step expands upon the first by actively networking. Attending various functions where you know others of your kind are going to be. Friend get togethers, community functions, and especially weddings. You just need to be there and look good so people inquire about you. Step three requires taking it to the next level, and that's using the internet. You can try steps 1 through 3, but over time if they're not panning out you have to do what it takes. This internet method is such a new way of doing things, that it's difficult for many to accept. But it's really no different then someone going up to you and describing some potential mates that you might be interested in. In this case, you're removing the unreliable middle man and being more pro-active in your search. There's a fear amongst many about revealing ones identity. Or that someone will find out who you are. That is the same as being afraid that a computer will blow up if you press the wrong key. The ball is in your court, and you're in control of the situation.
You don't have to post real contact information to these match making sites, so there's absolutely no way someone could find out (not that anyone would in the first place). Create yourself many Hotmail accounts strictly for communicating with net potentials. This way you're completely anonymous, and revealing only what you want to reveal. It's 100% safe. In fact, it's safer then the traditional routes. You don't have to meet face to face, don't have to reveal your location, or who you know. You communicate on a leisurely level that is convenient to you. Don't be afraid to contact someone. If someone sounds interesting, go ahead and shoot them a letter just saying hi and see what they're all about. But I can tell you one thing, for the amount of people that are posting their ad there are THOUSANDS who are looking at the ads. This is a golden opportunity! By creating an ad for yourself you get to reach these thousands of people. Under no pressure you're having a mechanism that is describing what you're all about, and finding people that you have attracted. And for the great potential of finding that perfect partner the only effort you have to put in is a couple of key strokes. A middleman will contact the other side on their own time, if at all. The net is advertising for you twenty-four hours a day. It's an unbiased middleman that works for you constantly. On the searching end you can find potentials that match your criteria, determine the playing field, and always be active in controlling your destiny. On the advertising site you just need to describe what you're all about, and let the prospects come to you.
Really the decision comes down to that one question, do you want to get marriage. Yes or No. If yes, then you have to do what it takes. I can't restate that often enough. Take control of your life and direct it the way that you want it to. Using the net is easy, safe, secure, convenient, and it works! More then that, if you're looking for that life partner you really have no choice. Time is not your friend, and you won't find that special someone by just sitting around and vegetating. Do you like not having someone to come home to? Sleeping by yourself? Not having someone to care about you? The choice is yours, if you want it, then do what it takes to get it. You have a pretty good idea of what it is you want in a mate, so start that search. Promote yourself, get the word that out that you're a great potential and that someone would be lucky to have you. The best news that I'll end with, is that if you're doing everything that it takes I guarantee you that you can go to sleep knowing that it's just a matter of time before you find that person. He or she is just waiting to find you, but how will they find you if you don't make yourself available? That's what using the Internet is all about, creating that opportunity to even exist. If you don't then what's the situation, you've made it unbelievably difficult for that Miss/Mister Perfect to ever cross your path of life. Put the odds in your favor, contact people that you find interesting, and see what happens. Put your ad up and see what interesting people contact you. It's so easy, and such little is required other then a little bit of time, and if it works out the pay off is heavenly. Your future is literally a few key strokes away... |