So anyway, I ended up making a lot of friends through the process. And there were two other girls where we progressed to a very serious level. It ended up in a break up, and you'd think it would get easier every time. I found it to be just as difficult in each case, if not worse. What's worse is that you can console yourself that you'll eventually get over it, but it gets increasingly more difficult to become interested in someone. When you've been through something painful, it's hard to get your brain to want to do it again. A two-year-old will put his hand on a hot stove no problem. He has nothing to relate the experience to, but get him to do it after... he'll fight for his life to keep his hand away. Same thing when it comes to relationships. Your mind associates the emotions with the potential pain that can come with it. So who's going to volunteer to jump back into the flames when you've just been burned?

There was awhile where I just completely gave up hope. It was just draining me, and I hated giving myself this false hope that I'll eventually find the one. Maybe I had already met the one in my travels, and missed the opportunity. Frankly I didn't even want to be alive if I was guaranteed that I wouldn't ever find her. Life is just so empty without someone. Ya friends are cool and all, but what are you living for? To dedicate your life to watching movies on the weekend, dumping your money into cars or whatever... Then what? Where's the end.

Eventually my emotions just completely shut off. My mind had associated too many negative feelings when it comes to emotions; that it simply wasn't worth having. There was awhile where I honestly didn't care about anything. I didn't care if most people I knew died, or I died, if a nuclear bomb was en route to the city I lived in, etc....

A Turning Point...

There was a girl however that I met in email shortly before shutting off. She was cruising the web one day, and had no intention of finding a husband, and didn't even think she would ever find someone. She never had the thought of ever finding someone and had the intention of being single all her life. But out of curiosity she was checking the matrimonial sites just to see what kind of people put their ads up. She came across mine and after a few weeks decided to send me a hello. It was literally just that.

We lightly conversed over time, the thing is that she was in Singapore and I lived in California. My personal rule was the further someone is, the more spectacular they have to be. I met a lot of interesting people from all over the world via email, but I don't have the money or vacation time to go meet every single person that sounds remotely interesting. So I didn't consider her a viable potential, even though everything else was perfect. She even called me a couple of times, but she didn't really have much to say, so I never took interest. Personally I'm an introvert so that makes me more the listener, good for someone who's an extravert and loves to talk endlessly.

Discovery...

Almost a year passed by, we ICQ'd and emailed small notes now and then. One day and we just started talking in ICQ and we suddenly 'connected'. We had that 'real' conversation, and I could sense the chemistry. Things really progressed after that, and I wanted her to visit me. I'd pay for the trip and everything, because vacation time is rare and hard to come by in my line of work. But things were going so well that I decided to take a chance. You can choose to live life conservatively, and nothing will ever happen. However you have to take a chance eventually if you want that big pay off.

From the phone, ICQ, and email everything seemed perfect. It felt like this was it; all the elements were there. We related to each other, the chemistry, how good we felt to talk to each other, etc... But from past experiences, I've had it where things seemed perfect, and you meet and find out there's nothing there. So we needed that face to face to see if everything that we thought about us was real. Not keeping my hopes up, I viewed it as taking a vacation, and if she's not the one then it's no big deal.

Well I flew out and after 20 hours of flying I got to Singapore. I wasn't even nervous, primarily because I was so exhausted that I didn't have the energy for it. She was nervous as she anxiously waited my arrival. When I walked out of the terminal and saw her, I KNEW she was the one. We walked to each other and I said "long time no see." As we walked to each other I KNEW she was the one.